


The Candy Man Can

by tintern_abbey (lyricalballads)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:42:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27113476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricalballads/pseuds/tintern_abbey
Summary: "Why would I want a chocolate frog at a time like this?" James grumbled. "In case you haven't noticed, my pride has just been stomped on and shred into a million pieces."James has been turned down by Lily yet again and Remus thinks chocolate is the perfect pick-me-up.
Kudos: 3





	The Candy Man Can

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on fanfiction.net on 10/08/2011.

"Fancy a chocolate frog?" asked Remus.

"Why the bloody hell would I want a chocolate frog at a time like this?" James grumbled. "In case you haven't noticed, my pride has just been stomped on and shred into a million pieces."

"Hence my offering of a delicious chocolate delicacy," Remus said calmly. "It will make you feel better."

The two of them strolled by the school lake on a Saturday afternoon, and James looked at Remus as if he had just informed him that Severus Snape was the winner of _Witch Weekly's_ most charming smile award. "You have gone completely bonkers," said James. "I can't believe I'm associating with you right now."

"What's so bonkers about wanting to help you?"

"Is chocolate capable of summoning Evans back here and changing her mind about refusing my Hogsmeade invitation? Can it make her fall stupidly in love with me? Can it force her to stop talking to the dastardly likes of Snivellus? No, Remus, your stupid chocolate isn't capable of any of these miracles, therefore I'm going to march right up to that lake and drown myself."

Remus held back a smile. "Why would you do that?"

"Maybe Evans would finally feel awful for all those rejections she's given me. When she grasps my cold, motionless body in her arms and weeps over my lifeless face, _then_ she'll be sorry."

"Or, you could forget all ideas of drowning and accept this chocolate frog I've been holding out in front of you for five minutes now."

"What is it with you and your attachment to chocolate, Moony?"

"You poor soul," Remus said sadly. "Chocolate has properties you can't even begin to understand, my dear Prongs. Shall I drag you off to Honeyduke's next weekend and educate you on chocolate's uncanny, irresistible powers?"

"You can slip love potions into chocolate, can't you?" asked James, perking up a bit.

"Mr. Potter, you know perfectly well that love potions are banned from Hogwarts grounds."

"Yes, but the village of Hogsmeade isn't part of Hogwarts grounds, therefore I won't be breaking rules if I administer said potion in Hogsmeade. But on second thought, I _like_ breaking rules, so I don't see what difference it makes if I'm on school grounds or not."

Remus sighed. "And I see my good influence has failed to affect you yet again. I shouldn't be surprised."

The two of them returned to the castle, debating the whole way on whether or not James should down his sorrows in chocolate and forget all about his lack of a love life, and Remus was ready to give up hope when Sirius strolled towards them, looking almost as miffed as James. "You'll never guess what I just learned," he said.

"McGonagall caught you peeking in the girls' toilet again?" Remus guessed.

"Your darling little brother has been declared the future Minister of Magic?" said James.

"Not quite so bad as that, Prongs, but you'll probably hex every Slytherin in sight when you hear this. Lily Evans just agreed to go with Snivellus to Hogsmeade next weekend. _Snivellus!_ How can she stand to talk to him for five minutes without catching slime pox?"

At first it appeared as if James hadn't heard a word that Sirius told him, but then he moved closer to Remus and tugged desperately upon the sleeve of his robes. "Moony?"

"Yes, Prongs?"

"Can I have one of your chocolate frogs?"


End file.
